Funny One Liners

Funny One Liners List

Listed in this article are 300 funny one liners. Hope you enjoy reading this massive collection of funny one liners assembled by Savio DSilva for you.


01. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

02. Do I look like a people person?

03. To err is human... to forgive is not Company policy

04. The bestselling books are cookbooks and the second are diet books. So you can learn how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

05. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

06. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

07. Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.

08. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

09. Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"

10. Never lick the spoon.

11. How can you make your wife crazy while making love? Call her from your cell phone.

12. Tracers work both ways.

13. When all else fails, admit i’m right and kiss my ass.

14. A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.

15. Chaos, panic, pandemonium – my work here is done.

16. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

17. Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

18. The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

19. Someday is not a day of the week.

20. Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

21. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

22. Who stopped payment on my reality check?

23. If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.

24. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.

25. Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

26. If life gives you lemons, stick them down your shirt and make your boobs look bigger.

27. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

28. Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

29. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

30. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

31. Face it, honey. Prince Charming isn't coming. He's living with Mr. Right.

32. I doubt, therefore I might be.

33. Happiness isn’t having what you want, it’s wanting what you have.

34. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

35. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

36. Everything is always okay in the end, if it’s not okay, then it’s not the end.

37. Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.

38. Christmas trees are like men. They don't look as good once you get them home.

39. Love is cuddling on a sofa. Marriage is one of them sleeping on a sofa.

40. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.

41. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

42. A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic.

43. My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.

44. Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

45. For good, return good. For evil, return justice.

46. A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.

47. The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.

48. Early to bed, early to rise ensures a healthy, dull demise.

49. Work harder: millions on welfare depend on you.

50. When I am sad, I sing, and then the world is sad with me.

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